Two years ago, Matthew Markman, a software salesman in California, and his wife, who was 20 weeks pregnant, learned that their son had a rare heart defect. If his wife expires the fetus, he is unlikely to survive after birth, their doctor told them.
The news was sad for Mr. Markman and his wife; They had been trying to conceive for more than a year and had used in vitro fertilization more than once. After three rounds of implantation, a fetus gets stuck, but an abortion occurs. This pregnancy was their fifth fetus. They even decided on a name called Eliza, “because my grandfather’s name starts with E and he recently passed,” said Mr. Markman, 37, who considers himself in favor of abortion rights.
When the couple made the difficult decision to stop the pregnancy, Mr. Markman felt that his wife, who was carrying the fetus and who had to go through the process, needed to be stronger in that moment of frustration. They burned the remains and spread ashes on Muir Beach in Northern California.
“I personally had to take a few months off from work because it was a very difficult time mentally,” he said. “It took me a while to realize that it was just that the experience was hard for me too.”
Life after an abortion
Another recurring theme of the responses of those who wrote to the Times was the belief that they would not be where they are today without abortion.
There is a huge body of peer-reviewed research that links access to abortion to a woman’s emotional, physical and financial outcomes, including significant turnaround studies that follow women who have been deprived of abortion for five years and found that their Was more likely to happen. Living in poverty or being unemployed compared to women who are able to have an abortion. But experts point out that only a few researchers have explored the long-term consequences of miscarriage in the course of a man’s life.
A study published in the Journal of Adolescent Health in 2019 found that men who had abortions while in college were more likely to graduate and earn more than men who did not.
Nam Fan, a 30-year-old engineer from Massachusetts and father of two, says the abortion that occurred while his wife was dating as a teenager helped them eventually become better parents. At the time, they were not financially equipped, or they did not feel mature enough to care for a baby. “I don’t think any of us can arrange to take care of ourselves at that point,” he said.
Their first child, now 5, was also an unplanned pregnancy, but when they found out about it, they felt much more ready for parents; They graduated from college, settled into their jobs, got married and are about to buy a house.
“It’s not lost on us that having a child back then would have really changed our lives significantly,” he said.
When Kevin Burhidet was 19, the woman he was looking at became pregnant. Immediately, he was overwhelmed with “panic and terror.”
“There wasn’t a ‘yes, let’s make a list of good and bad,'” said Mr. Burhite, now a 60-year-old analyst and a New York writer. At this point, he was already in a rough race in life. He was abused, he dropped out of high school and he was struggling with alcohol addiction. They weren’t in a place to care for a newborn, and she didn’t even have the money for an abortion, he said.
Mr. Burhide’s second abortion experience was with another woman about a year or so later, when he was still struggling with his addiction. He described that time in his life as “terrible.”
“Back then the idea of having a child seemed crazy,” he said.
Both abortions, Mr. Barheidot said, pushed her toward a “path to healing.” He went to college and found a permanent job. He is married and has two sons and has been quiet for more than three decades now. Although those memories are still painful.
“Do I apologize? Yes, I do, ”said Mr. Burhite. “Do I wish there was a way to keep my children? Yes. Am I sorry for my decision at that time? Absolutely not. “